Dealing with temper tantrums is a reality of parenting. Anticipating your child’s triggers, teaching your child to self-soothe, and not giving in are just some things you can do to manage these emotional outbursts.
In this article, we’ll tell you what temper tantrums are and give you seven strategies to work through them. We’ll also give a few extra tips for managing tantrums by your child’s age.
Key Takeaways
- To work through a temper tantrum, pay attention to what preceded it, anticipate triggers, ignore the tantrum, and refrain from reasoning with your child.
- Developing emotional intelligence helps your child learn other means of self-expression. Talk to your child about their feelings, including why they have them and how to manage them in the future.
- From 18 months to two years, tantrums are common because children are still developing communication skills. By three to five years old, they start to taper off.
- By the time your child is school age (six to 13 years old), tantrums may happen occasionally but not often. If your child is still experiencing tantrums frequently at this age, it’s a good idea to talk to your pediatrician.
- Temper tantrums are emotional responses to frustration. It can be from an inability to communicate or handle a situation, or it may just be the way your child has chosen to get what they want.
Table of Contents
- What Are Temper Tantrums Anyway?
- 7 Steps to Work Through Temper Tantrums
- Managing Temper Tantrums at Different Ages
- Are Tantrums on Purpose?
- How Developing Emotional Intelligence Helps with Tantrums
What Are Temper Tantrums Anyway?
When you think of temper tantrums, you may think of yelling, screaming, crying, throwing things, falling to the ground, and other loud, emotionally charged actions. Tantrums look like these things. But that’s not all they are.
Temper tantrums are actually a reaction to something else that your child doesn’t know how to handle. Instead of articulating what they feel or asking for what they want or accepting what they need to do, they get overwhelmed and act out—loudly, dramatically, emotionally, and (often) physically.
Addressing the “something else” your child is reacting to is the biggest key to overcoming temper tantrums.
7 Steps to Work Through Temper Tantrums
So how can you best manage your child’s temper tantrums? How can you cope with their meltdowns before, during, and after the event? Try these seven steps.
1) Pay Attention to What Happens Before
Before you can effectively help your child get through a temper tantrum, you need to know what triggered it. For instance, you’ll handle a tantrum about going to bed sparked by a fear of the dark differently than one set off by being overly tired.
If your child has lots of temper tantrums, pay close attention to the situations in which they occur. Do you notice any recurring triggers? Once they’ve calmed down, can your child identify a deeper reason they were upset (“I didn’t want the light off because I was scared a bug would get me.”)? Can you begin to anticipate what will be hard for them?
Gathering information like this helps you stop the cycle of tantrums.
2) Anticipate the Trigger
Now that you’ve identified the trigger, you can get ahead of it so it’s easier to decide what to do next. For instance, if your child routinely gets out of sorts right before a nap, it’s probably overtiredness doing the talking.
One thing you can try is shifting the wind-down window to about 15 minutes earlier and spending that quietly in your little one’s room. You might, then, get ahead of that peak overtiredness outburst.
If you’re having trouble getting your child to their room in the first place, you could try distracting your child with a limited choice. Instead of “time to nap,” tell them, “We can go to your room for naptime by either hopping like a bunny or marching like a soldier. Which do you prefer?”
Then their focus is on the action of heading to their room, and not on the triggering event itself.
3) Ignore the Tantrum & Embrace the Effort
Once your child begins a tantrum (and once you know they’re physically safe while they’re engaged in it) the best thing you can do is nothing.
The less attention you place on their out-of-control behavior, either positive or negative, the less they will engage in it. When your child is having a tantrum, they want two things: to change the thing that initiated the outburst (to stay at the playground, stay up at bedtime, get a toy at the store, etc.) and your focus.
If you can disengage completely, your child has an opportunity (after the tantrum winds down) to try a new approach to handling their emotions. They might ask for your attention. Or apologize.
If they’re unsure of what to do next, you might try asking them some questions: “Are you feeling better? Do you want to talk? Do you know what you were just feeling?”
As soon as they reach out in an appropriate way, your attention and interest become very valuable. By engaging with them once they’ve calmed down, you’re teaching your child that calming down, figuring out a solution to the problem, and letting go of their anger are the best ways to connect and communicate with you.
4) Don’t Reason with the Rant
There’s no use trying to reason with your child while they’re in the throes of a tantrum. Wait until they’ve calmed down, when they’ll be more responsive to what you have to say. It’s a good rule of thumb for you, too, as it’s hard to think straight with all of your child’s yelling and fussing.
Once your child has dialed it down a few notches, use a calm yet firm tone, validating their feelings without giving in. “I understand you’re mad, but you cannot have cookies before dinner.”
5) Teach Your Child How to Self-Soothe
The best way to help your child learn how to avoid or shorten their temper tantrums is by modeling calm, centered behavior.
Think about what you do to re-center yourself when you’re feeling frustrated, scared, or angry. Do you take a walk, listen to soothing music, or do some deep breathing exercises? Whatever it is that you’re doing to stay calm, your child is likely to do the same.
That being said, sometimes it looks a little different when kids do it. Your 4-year-old may stomp angrily off to their room screaming, “I need some space!” and slam the door instead of saying, “I’m getting very frustrated. I need a few minutes by myself to calm down. I’ll be right back,” like you do. But it’s still progress!
By imitating you, they begin to understand what calming down feels like, and once they have that visceral awareness, they can practice it.
6) Give Your Kid Some Control
Although you can’t let your child decide that yes, you’ll buy that box of cookies and yes, they can stay up late, and yes, they can play whatever video games they want for as long as they want, you can be intentional about giving them control when it’s appropriate.
Give them the opportunity to make choices and decisions throughout the day. You can even make them a part of your rituals. “Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the gray one?” “Would you like yogurt or eggs for breakfast?” “Pick any book you want for our bedtime reading.”
You can also be spontaneous about accepting their proposals when it feels healthy and appropriate. “I bet you’re thirsty after playing soccer. Sure, you can have some juice.” “You’ve been so patient while we ran those errands. Yes, you can choose an episode of Sesame Street for us to watch together even though this isn’t our normal screen time.”
Feeling empowered in these small ways throughout the day can fill your child with confidence and comfort that may reduce temper tantrums when they have to let go of decision-making control.
7) Engage Mid-Tantrum
Sometimes (but not every time; you’re not doing anything wrong if it doesn’t always work!) it’s possible to interrupt a tantrum as it’s unfolding. A few ways to try:
- Empathize with how your child is feeling. Sometimes being seen and understood is all they need. Saying something like, “It looks like you’re sad about leaving the park. I understand how hard that must feel,” might be all it takes for your child to find calm.
- Troubleshoot in the moment. You might be able to stop a tantrum midstream if you have a good guess as to why it’s happening. If your child is hungry, for example, offering them a snack might help them recover more quickly.
- Create an equal and appealing distraction. If your child is melting down in the grocery store, you could suggest telling a story as you shop. Maybe you’ll tell one to them, or they can tell one to you, or you can make one up together!
- A specific idea suggested by the UK nonprofit National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children is to try a 5-4-3-2-1 activity. Ask them to name:
- 5 things they can see
- 4 things they can touch
- 3 things that are red
- 2 things you could taste
- 1 thing that is noisy (which means they have to stop making noise to find it!)
Managing Temper Tantrums at Different Ages
Like most aspects of raising a child, there is no manual or set of guidelines to make temper tantrums predictable. But according to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, childhood tantrums generally follow this trajectory:
Toddlers (18 months to 2 years old)
Tantrums are very common at these ages. Kids have them in a variety of ways: screaming, crying, hitting, kicking, or throwing themselves on the ground. It isn’t unusual for tantrums to occur every day.
Preschoolers (3 to 5 years old)
Although temper tantrums are still common at these ages, they aren’t happening as often anymore.
School-Age Kids (6 to 13 years old)
Temper tantrums become much less common, most likely occurring less than once a week. If they are routinely happening or are very intense, reach out to your doctor or a mental health professional who can help determine what your child needs and how to support them.
Are Tantrums on Purpose?
Many parents wonder whether tantrums happen on purpose. There’s a good reason for that, because the answer is no at first, but possibly later.
Tantrums aren’t conscious at first. Your child feels strongly about something and they don’t know how to express it in a nuanced and constructive way. The emotion is inside them and they need to express it. So they aren’t being willful and they aren’t acting according to some plan they’ve created.
But if your child throws a tantrum and gets what they want over and over again, then, yes, these bursts of disruptive behavior can become intentional. Kids can learn tantrums are an effective way of getting their needs and wants met.
Our challenge as parents is to help our children find healthy ways to satisfy those needs and wants, as well as healthy ways to cope when they can’t be satisfied.
The first and most important step is to resist giving them what they want when they have a tantrum. If they’re in a safe place and aren’t hurting themselves or others, ignoring their outburst is key. Even negative attention gives them the incentive to continue.
Once they’ve calmed down, or even tried to calm down, give them your focus. None of this is easy, but it’s totally doable…and worth it!
How Developing Emotional Intelligence Helps with Tantrums
Emotional intelligence, at its core, is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions as well as the emotions of others. In a lot of ways, it is on the opposite side of the emotional spectrum from temper tantrums.
Your child hasn’t fully cultivated their emotional intelligence. They’ll be working on self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and social skills for years. But the more you talk with your child about their feelings, why they experience them, and how to manage them, the faster those skills will grow.
Many of the other ways you can help nurture your child’s emotional intelligence also decrease the likelihood of temper tantrums, including:
- Unstructured play, where they can practice expressing emotions, handling conflict, and solving problems
- Encouraging self-expression alongside a growth mindset, which helps your child find thoughtful ways to handle their feelings
- Doing daily check-ins about your child’s emotions so they learn how to talk about them when they’re calm
- Modeling how to handle big feelings
Stay with It—Begin Has Your Back
There’s no way around it: temper tantrums are tough. They’re tiring, they’re overwhelming, and sometimes (when they’re public) they can be embarrassing for both you and your child.
But they’re normal too. And even though they seem to come out of the blue sometimes, they can give you really good information about how your child operates, what opinions they have, and what triggers their big feelings.
You’re not alone in your journey to figure out how to strategize about temper tantrums. All parents experience them. Don’t hesitate to reach out to some of your friends, family, or neighbors who have traveled ahead of you or who are right there beside you.
Begin can help you, too!
Our programs are full of resources for both you and your child. From social-emotional learning with Sesame Street friends to hands-on activities to books that reinforce emotional well-being, Begin helps kids learn the social-emotional skills they need to thrive.
Frequently Asked Questions
What’s the difference between a temper tantrum and a meltdown?
While a temper tantrum is usually voluntary and goal-oriented (“I want that toy!”), a meltdown is an involuntary sensory overload. Tantrums will end as soon as the child gets their way or when they learn that they will not. Meltdowns, on the other hand, will end when the child is worn out.
What are the three types of temper tantrums?
Tantrums can occur out of frustration, need, or manipulation. A frustration-based tantrum happens because the child cannot yet communicate their needs. If your child is hungry, thirsty, or extra tired, on the other hand, they may have a needs-based tantrum.
Children who are trying to get something, be it an object, action, or privilege, throw what’s called a manipulative tantrum.
At what age are temper tantrums most common?
Temper tantrums are most common when the child is between two and three years old (a.k.a. the terrible twos). This is because toddlers want independence but don’t have developed communication or emotional regulation skills.
